Saturday, October 18, 2008

WORDS WOMEN USE

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD! At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woma n is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint! Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Interesting and Weird Records

Female Guinness Book Of Records

Some astounding records, but do you know anyone who could do better......?

Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate,Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers andwings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and twolamp posts.

Film Confusion

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husbandwithout asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28thOctober 1990, when Mrs. Margret Brunswick sat down with her husband towatch'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?",Revealing a staggering level of ignorance this broke her own recordset in 1982 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of 'Beverly Hills Cop'before asking "Where is this in england?".

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km(313miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead (GB) by Dr. Julie Thorn at the wheel ofher Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning twomiles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smokebillowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for thelongest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicatorflashing.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble saleis 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get incost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. Aseven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p whichescalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quicklyspread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised£5.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing

Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen inBlackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a halfmonths from 1st May to 14th August 1978, pausing only for coffee,cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information wasexchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoorrecord for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) andher neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelighteningdialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left thebath running.

Gossiping

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banburypopped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which shetold Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having anaffair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banburyimmediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm,she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it hadrisen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair,including the local Amateur dramatic society, several knitting circles,acoachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife.When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that nightMrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people,enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneouslyis held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. Attheir annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne onOctober 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and wasimmediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass,the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone tofinish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Single Breath Sentence

An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minutebarrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, ofCowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedlyreported an argument she'd had in the grocers to her neighbour. She rantedon for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air,before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken toRadcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups.At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the storyan amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded andtutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audiblecroak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied byvigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.

Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st Augustand 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch ofDorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs.Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both inthe sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changingroom with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilkseventually bought one.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

TOP 10 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED :-)

10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

The person who came up with this probably got sick of just dreaming about going to work naked..lolz..

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

KARAM SINGH WALIA (TV3 News caster):Seperti yang saudara dapat lihat, kelihatan ayam-ayam itu sedang melintas jalan, mereka bukan sahaja melintas jalan malah membuang najis di atas jalan dan ini adalah pencemaran yang paling hebat di maya pada masa ini. Bapa-bapa dan ibu-ibu Ayam haruslah mengambil inisiatif untuk melatih ayam-ayam agar menahan najis sewaktu melintas jalan, sekian saya sudahi dengan......... Ayam di jalan di lintaskan Ayam di reban mati tak makan

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

MAHATHIR:You know, I am tired of all this..'apa-nama' chicken-chicken bisnes....the foreign powers should stop intervening in our domestic affairs and just leave our chickens alone..... if they want to...'apa nama' cross the road, they should be allowed to cross the road .. Malaysia is a democratic country,we let our chickens do whatever they want to do.... as long as they don't threaten the Malay unity and try to topple the government...and if they plan to do so...we won't hesitate to use the ISA...

ABDULLAH BADAWI: Ini semua adalah khabar angin sahaja...jangan percaya khabar - khabar angin ini semua...biasalah ini adalah taktik pembangkang untuk memecah belahkan perpaduan ayam - ayam semua...jangan percaya..jangan percaya....

SAMY VELLU : ayyooyoo...belakang cerita lain kali, kita sude bikin banyak jembatan, itu ayam musti guna jembatan untuk lintas itu jalan lagi pun kalu itu ayam mau pigi jalan-jalan,beritau sama saya juga, saya bolley buat lebbey banyak toll........

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON : I've had so many chicks, I can't remember...

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Stupid Questions and Funny Answers

Got this in an e-mail n thought u might en joy it.. i DID! :-)
10 stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:-

1.At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:-Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-Well,it's so hot , there were no cool cabs so I thought i`d watchsome advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2.In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anaesthesia ......why don't you try again or should i try this time."

3.At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-Why?Would it rather have been you?

4.At a restaurant:When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:-No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement. We occasionaly also spit in it.

5.At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6.When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:-Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7.When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:-Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:-No. I was playing soccer for Brazil at Rio and just when you called Ortega was betting with me that Argentina would win.What do you think?

8.When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9.At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.

10.You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke
Answer:-No, it's a miracle ...........it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Don`t ever ask questions like this ....

Monday, October 6, 2008

Forced Entry!!

loLZ.. YEA YEA... after a loong time huh... anyway this post is for Zhen Ruan, my student.. Well, I promised her thAt I'd post something and here I am.. at 2 a.m. ! anyway am just wondering what I should blog about and i thought, hey, why not just blog about my Blog's title.. well, as u may guess, I'm the kind of person who only sees the glass half empty, if u get what i Mean... I try, and I do try, to be more optimistic, but u know what, only when I think... oh, i'm never going to be able to get this or do this or win something... I actually do!! SIGH... talk about constructive pessimism huh... hahah.. oh and by the way, i Actually WON a lucky draw!!! and yes, WITH my constructive pessimism!! :-p I'm not saying everyone should be pessimistic but, u know.. just don't be too optimistic I guess... oh and yeah, which brings us to the word RAMBLINGS.. hahah guess I've started rambling right about now huh.. lolz.. to all my students, look up the word pessimist in the dictionary and the rest, well, do the same.. I guess that about sums up the explanation of the title of my blog... see ya'll soon... CIAO!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Of Punjabis, the twenties and old friends

Hey all.. Well.. decided to try this blogging thing out.. haha A little late but hey... better late than never right?? As my blog title suggests, I am quite the pessimist.. Not something I am very proud of, but hey, at least I know I am just human.. and don't worry, I am not some psycho-suicidal pessimist... *mock horror* at least I hope not... haha.. ANYWAY, did nothing much today except laze around the house... had tea with a fried at Sri Devi's in ss15. THe Vadai was delicious... Was having this conversation with him about how difficult it is to get us Punjabis frm Um to go out together... really sad, considering there are less that 20 of us in all four years!! Sigh.. depressing isn't it...

Moving on, I wonder why it is much harder to make new and lasting friends once you hit 20.. Am not too sure if this is the experience of most other people, but even Cat was saying the same thing... I mean, the only friends which I know I can depend on solidly on are the ones I made when I was in secondary school.. honestly, I feel like thay are the only ones whom I can click with right away even after not meeting them for like half a year!! The ones that I made after I hit 20 are the ones who have moods and who have differing faces with the different people that they're with... Sigh I wonder if they think of me in the same way... I have a nagging feeling that they do.. But you know, I really couldn't give a rat's arse about anthing anymore.... don wanna look forward to anything except the next minute... BUt what I've learnt through all this is that one whould never expect anything from anyone.. and I dont mean that... 'ok i did this for you and you should do this for me thing...' WHat I mean is that never expect friends to remain the same... they can backstab you anytime, anywhere... Here's cheers to cat, satvin and jessvin, the three people whom i know I can always call FRIENDS... MMMMuackkss.. love you three to bits :-)